Snapshot From the Map of Love

By Heidi Michel Fokine, September, 2015

Son #1 left for a new college last week. Today I’m on the Cross Sound Ferry issuing Son #2 back to school in Maine, where he will complete his senior year of high school (without incident or infraction, pass Spanish, and fully partake in the gifts and opportunities this educational experience has to offer).* Little does he know that every time I look at him, I map his freckles. I’m cool: He doesn’t know that instead of really listening to how he’s going to spend all his money on truck parts, I’m swimming in his translucence.

Son #1’s departure wasn’t as smooth. I got caught in the anxiety trap, lost sleep, and clutched too hard. After the first few texts from him at his new school, I knew he had forgiven me. More importantly, he’d found a good place to land and learn. I have him in my vision (clear, bright, happy, healthy: thriving).*

“Worrying is praying for what you don’t want,” someone said. How did it take 50+ years to hear that? With the prospect of an empty nest, I take a day off, surprise my husband with the gift of my time, my presence.

Ocean swimming was glorious this summer. For me, there’s an edge to it. How far out can I go before I start calculating the distance between me and the bottom, and what might be lurking there? Can I let the liquid-crystal water hold me, or do I race for shore, heart pounding?

I think of another quote: “Let go and let God.” This is so much better than “Let go and let your anxious mind wreck havoc on everything you care about. ” When I catch myself there, it’s “Inhale, exhale, pause.”

So it’s September. We return to the work of our lives. Letting go and letting God, letting love, letting breath, meeting challenges, letting life.

*Manifestation practice. What else can a mother do?!